Ever felt unfulfilled? Like there’s so much more you could be doing to achieve your dreams but instead you’re just settling for what’s currently happening around you?
Ever wished you could pick up your life and drop it back down exactly where you want it to be (on a beach at Atlantis in the Bahamas wearing my free Triangl bikini next to Drake while all my favourite bands play sets of my favourite songs forever)?
Look no further! I have done approximately 0% research on this subject and now feel fully qualified to coach you through making big life choices, like uprooting your entire existence and shooting for the stars:
1. Wake up in the morning and check the weather. Not for the city you currently live in, mind you. Your phone should always default to showing you the weather in your dream city of choice (mine shows me London, New York, Orlando, and Los Angeles…3/4 are where my squad lives and I like to check on them and make sure it’s not too cold where they are).
2. Constantly make jokes about how you’re going to drop off the face of the planet and reinvent yourself. Constantly be serious about it on the inside. Die a little every time you make the joke and someone treats it like a joke. Even though they have no way of knowing better. They should just know better.
3. Keep all job postings / travel visas / inspirational Pinterest dream boards of Ty Pennington / pictures of your sort-of-friend’s trip around the world saved to the bookmarks bar on your web browser at all times. Better yet, keep the tabs open and make your computer run slower to symbolize how lethargic and weighted down you feel by your current life. Whoa.
4. Laugh. Laugh so hard. Laugh inappropriately during a meeting. Laugh when you break something in real life and can’t Ctrl+Z to undo this action. Laugh when someone asks you if you plan on doing anything on the weekend other than watching Netflix. Laugh whenever anything is said that makes you question your life choices up until now.
5. Cry. When someone makes a seemingly positive comment about how you really have your life together or how you must be ~~so stoked~~ with the way things are going for you, have a complete breakdown. Do not let them escape unscathed; they must remain nearby to console you every time you say “-AND ANOTHER THING”.
6. Sleep for maybe like 2 or 3 days. However long it takes for someone to come into your room and forcibly wake you up, asking why you’ve completely given up on everything. This will either be followed by a complex analysis of your current mental status and where you can go from here, or silence/tears/more sleeping. Your choice.
7. Briefly resign yourself to the life you’re currently living. They say you die twice: once when your physical body dies, and again when your name is spoken for the last time. Resign yourself to the fact that your second death will come first because you’re going to become a goddamn hermit in the woods and never talk to ANYONE again EVER because they’re all just *Jean Ralphio voice* THE WOOOOORST.
8. Repeat steps 1-7 a seemingly infinite number of times, until the moment when you realize that holy smokes…time has been passing and you’ve been spending those days thinking about the same things and never doing them. For months?? For years!? How much time has been wasted!?!
9. Realize that life is hard, but it could be harder. You know other people have overcome issues larger than yours and reached their goals, which doesn’t discredit your feelings or emotions but reminds you that you don’t have to be stuck here forever. Nothing needs to be permanent. Even if you want something to be permanent, it hardly ever will be. Except tattoos (be careful with those). Often, life isn’t even as hard as we make ourselves believe. If you follow your dreams and end up not feeling the way you thought you would, you don’t have to remain in this place because it once was everything you wanted. Like Rapunzel, you can have a new dream. Which reminds me…I’d like to add Flynn Ryder to my dream scenario, please.
10. Either accept where you are and find a way to love the situation you’re in, or go make a change. Life is way too short to sit around griping about how you want to learn how to do a backflip or how you want to move to London (hello it’s me) or how you just want to live every N*Sync fan’s dream and become a Space Cowboy. DO IT. I support your dreams 1000%, mostly because I would also like you to support my dreams. I’ll make sure to get Drake to guest post here when we’re living happily in the sand instead of running thru the 6 with our woes.